Jesus says that we are to cast all our cares on Him. Every so often I find myself doing so selectively and in improper order. For example, He tends to get all the junk I don’t want to deal with. Yet, knowing I am not willing to broach certain areas where I need pruning and growth, He shoulders the burden and waits with me until I am surrendered to His process. Consequently, there has been a lot of that junk which has lingered for years before I addressed it and found healing.
The Spirit will not heal the area of my heart I am unwilling to surrender.
My lack of submission to Him is always rooted in selfish ambition. This is not to say that I am always aware of it, but that selfishness is present nonetheless. It is far easier for me to default to arguing my point than to look objectively and humbly at where I might be incomplete, or even straight up wrong. During a disagreement today, I looked my husband squarely in the face and told him “I am right”. Yesterday, I did the exact same thing. Apologizing yesterday gained me relief but no new territory against my flesh.
This arrogance came from the same person (me) who wholeheartedly believes that truth has no need to be right. It just is. How I can believe one way and act another is puzzling… until I consider the depth of the soul. There are places that remain untouched, even by my most strongly held convictions; places where boarded-up safe houses store all my precious, sensitive feelings. Places my subconscious would rather defend at the expense of peace in my marriage than to let be exposed to Truth.
The truth is that I do not live in fear. I am not a slave to it any longer. But the truth is also that, sometimes, I still respond to the fear instead of bringing it to the cross. I forget to go to my knees in prayer; instead, I worry that our children will not apply the wisdom Peter and I pour into them. I forget to cry out to the Lord and confess my insecurities as a mother; instead, I turn on my husband and accuse himof not trusting me to lead our daughters well. Simply put, I just forget.
My emotions press for increasing recognition as I resign my energies to them because it feels good. I forget to fight against my flesh.
Thankfully, my forgetfulness can work for me as well. I had a very Christiany, uplifting topic I prepared to write on this evening… but I forgot that too. Rather than writing from a place of insecurity and feigned joy, I was led to pour out what was on my heart; the unsettling reality of my pride. I chose to unpack a little more of the baggage and pull down a few boards from the old store houses of my buried fears. I did not face this alone. The Lord walked with me on this arduous journey tonight. He is not so easily fooled by me as I am. I thank Him for that. I thank God that even in my failure, especially in my failure, He shows Himself mighty and faithful.
Only in Christ can I fall so short and still see victory. May you also choose to see His victory in your weaknesses. Until next time…