I have spent far too many nights staring into my device as if it was some magical cure for my restlessness. Every time it would disappoint.
I have tried many things over the years. Drugs, alcohol, sex, music, white noise, being close to someone, being away from someone; the list echoes the “tried that” rhetoric of a 12-step program introduction, each option more ridiculous than the last and none too effective.
Most of us just settle in our phones these days. I happen to be on mine right now at 11 pm transcribing this message to you who struggle with me.
The days are too long and never long enough. There is no resting place.
Not in this world anyhow.
I have finally found my rest in the Lord.
It has been quite the arduous journey, but Jesus has been there with me every step of the way.
He sat patiently waiting as I self medicated and attempted to exhaust myself into sleep; softly whispering that I need not struggle any longer.
Many nights I would draw near in prayer and worship and drift off peacefully, but there was always that bottle of Unisom on the nightstand “just in case.”
I clung to the worry that my anxiety would rear its ugly head and I would have no recourse. My pills never stopped the anxiety. They only hastened the exhaustion that was yet to come after a panic attack.
There Jesus sat, sorrowful at my choice to remain bound by this monster, awaiting my surrender.
Tonight He spoke more loudly to me.
Examining the bottle on my nightstand I saw that it was not my sleep aid, but my B-12 I take in the morning. I grasped a cold metal handle and tugged on it. The drawer would not open. I pulled again…
Something must be stuck.
A crystal clear declaration branded itself into my mind as I yanked at the drawer one final time;
“I WILL BE YOUR PEACE!”
My drawer slid loose and I reached inside, lifting a bottle I no longer needed as that peace swept over me. I set it gently on the dresser and chuckled to myself.
This is all I need. The presence and assurance of my Savior.
Sometimes it takes me a while to let go of things I try to put in His place, but He always leads me back. Gently, firmly… with love and peace that surpasses my understanding.
I am grateful. I pray you all sleep as well as I am about to.