When Nothing Else Remains

I don’t like crying in front of people. In fact I loathe it.

At some point I subconsciously developed the amazing ability to cry out of only one eye. If someone were sitting next to me, only the eye they could not see would release tears. FULL. ON. CRYING… out of one eye.

Many of you know I have been through some STUFF. I have thick skin. As such, the sadness gets brought to the Lord and I take the solution out to the world (He is the solution.)

But what happens when the open sadness is warranted?

My mother passed this weekend and it’s been difficult transitioning from a non-public-crying person to someone who can’t control the water works.

By difficult I mean I’ve been angry A LOT. I have valid things to be angry about. The kind of things that I can’t share because 1) people are still grieving and 2) all the comments would likely turn this post into drama and take focus from the Lord.

So, this morning when I entered my closet to pray I brought my anger. I prayed for those hurting me. I cried.

I prayed the blood of Jesus to cover them the music on my phone suddenly stopped. I looked up to see Ephesians 6:10-18 taped to the wall. I prayed that too.

I can’t say I’m completely emotionally healthy today. The anger is still trying to creep up. But I am spiritually healthy. I know what to do and I know what the fight is really about.

It’s not about the fact that I didn’t have a chance to say goodbye to my mother, or that the last time we spoke it became an argument. It’s not even about people attacking me or who did what or “what if’s.”

It’s about Jesus. It’s about we’re all broken. It’s about we all need Him.

My mom knew that and depended on the Lord even though so few around her (including myself at times), failed to exemplify grace.

I know she loves me and she knows (especially now) that I love her. And we both love Jesus and that is all that really matters… love. The kind of love that can last through the darkest times. The kind that holds onto hope and chooses grace.

I hope you choose to walk in that kind of love today. Not just because it might be your last chance, but because it’s the only thing that matters in this world.

Your sister,

Monica

4 Comments

  1. Monica, I am so sorry for your loss. My condolences to you and your family, I know it’s hard to find any words of true comfort, but based on what you shared today I know the the true comforter and counselor is already with you. I am lifting you up in prayer sister. You are loved just as you are! I know your momma will be shining down a ray of heaven just for you. You are so loved daughter of the most high! Thank you for the example on bringing your anger into the prayer closet….we all need to hear it. Big warm hug. Continue to shine your light in the darkness.

  2. Excellent transparency. I can so relate to a tumultuous mother/daughter relationship. I am grateful to have you to remind me of God’s love & grace….it is hard for some to understand why or how these relationships (mother/daughter) can be so complicated. I get it. I love you & pray for you during this time of loss❤️🙏😇

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