I don’t like crying in front of people. In fact I loathe it.
At some point I subconsciously developed the amazing ability to cry out of only one eye. If someone were sitting next to me, only the eye they could not see would release tears. FULL. ON. CRYING… out of one eye.
Many of you know I have been through some STUFF. I have thick skin. As such, the sadness gets brought to the Lord and I take the solution out to the world (He is the solution.)
But what happens when the open sadness is warranted?
My mother passed this weekend and it’s been difficult transitioning from a non-public-crying person to someone who can’t control the water works.
By difficult I mean I’ve been angry A LOT. I have valid things to be angry about. The kind of things that I can’t share because 1) people are still grieving and 2) all the comments would likely turn this post into drama and take focus from the Lord.
So, this morning when I entered my closet to pray I brought my anger. I prayed for those hurting me. I cried.
I prayed the blood of Jesus to cover them the music on my phone suddenly stopped. I looked up to see Ephesians 6:10-18 taped to the wall. I prayed that too.
I can’t say I’m completely emotionally healthy today. The anger is still trying to creep up. But I am spiritually healthy. I know what to do and I know what the fight is really about.
It’s not about the fact that I didn’t have a chance to say goodbye to my mother, or that the last time we spoke it became an argument. It’s not even about people attacking me or who did what or “what if’s.”
It’s about Jesus. It’s about we’re all broken. It’s about we all need Him.
My mom knew that and depended on the Lord even though so few around her (including myself at times), failed to exemplify grace.
I know she loves me and she knows (especially now) that I love her. And we both love Jesus and that is all that really matters… love. The kind of love that can last through the darkest times. The kind that holds onto hope and chooses grace.
I hope you choose to walk in that kind of love today. Not just because it might be your last chance, but because it’s the only thing that matters in this world.