As many of you know, sleep has not come easy for me lately.
Most notably, it is because my mind has been challenged with the reality of my own mortality since my mother passed last year. I haven’t spoken about this aspect of my grief, yet it is by far the most exhausting.
I find myself questioning everything.
Every moment counts.
I am a mother too. At some point my children will lose me. It breaks my heart to consider. I don’t want them to ever experience the agony I have endured. But that is life, isn’t it? Ups and downs, joy and grief.
Who am I to question how God works?
But I have questioned Him. I have launched my frustration at Him pridefully and angrily. At times I have completely ignored Him, which is worse. I never thought I would be angry at my Father. I always assumed people who blamed Him were weak in faith.
I am not weak in faith, I am hurting,
Now I get it.
It’s hard to hold into hope. How can you hold something you cannot find?
I have not known what to do with this anger until recently when I answered an altar call at church and God began to soften my heart.
Since then, He is reminding me of who He is.
He is not the one who created death. We ushered that into this world. He didn’t create the cigarettes that eventually suffocated my mother’s body or cause her to chain smoke them for decades. He didn’t want this for her or for me and my sisters.
And yet He is still using it for good.
Because THAT’S who He is.
My whole world has changed. I have realized at a relatively young age what precious little time I have with my family. What little time they have with me. That is a huge blessing.
Sometimes I just want to peek in on my kids and cuddle them at night. I miss them already. I want our lives to be less busy and more joyful.
At the end of the night I lie awake hoping I did a good job. Hoping everyone knows how much I love them. Hoping I didn’t fail.
I hope a little while and then I choose to be grateful.
I am grateful.
For the snoring beast next to me (my hubby) that fell asleep as I prayed aloud. For the children who rest each night, trusting that there will be clothing and car rides and homemade meals… who, even I didn’t do all the stuff, would still love me.
I love them all and I am grateful. I love you all and I am grateful for you as well.
All in all, this life isn’t too bad. People pass, but that’s no reason to quit living our own lives. If anything we should live them more fully.
Look people in the eye more often than you look at your phone. Eat good food and dance to silly songs. Dance to sexy songs too. Dance and sing before the Lord. Smile and wave at your neighbors. Have dinner with them sometime. Take care of your health and get help when you need it.
These are the simple things that make life worth living. The more I do the simple things, the more I feel alive again. The more I feel ok.
I think I am going to be ok. I think we are all going to be ok.
Here’s to the ones fighting to feel joy again…
It’s on the way. Keep trusting the Lord. He hears you and He has not forgotten you. We will all get through this together.
Your sister,
Monica