Have you ever wasted time trying to help people make sense of a calling God gave to YOU?
Maybe after prayer and confirmation all we need to do is get to work.
What are you going to walk boldly into that God has called you to do?
Your sister,
Monica
Sixteen years ago I spent my nights working on a puzzle into the wee hours of the morning.
While I should have been resting for school the next day (I was only seventeen), my mind was too busy for sleep. I was carrying a baby no one knew about. No one who cared anyway.
I told him.
I told him and he didn’t believe me.
I knew something was off when I got sick leaving Woodson High school that evening.
We were supposed to be in night school. We were both there, him a legal adult trying to earn a diploma and me a recovering, lonely young girl.
I went to the True Love Waits purity conference. I recommitted myself to God. I meant it. How could this happen?
So now, each night I focused on piecing together a puzzle until my eyes were too heavy to keep open… piecing together something felt good.
My life could never be put back together.
Not with a baby on the way. I would never go to college. I would never teach like I dreamed of; like that prophetess lady told me at revival.
“I was carrying a baby no one knew about. No one who cared anyway.”
I would have a baby. Then I would struggle for years with alcohol, drugs, working in the sex industry, and ultimately fight for my life trying to leave the abusive relationship that this pregnancy commenced.
But God knew the big picture even when I was blind.
I am in college now. Only four classes from completing my diploma in theology. Will I go on to get my MDiv? Why not?
That baby I became pregnant with was a boy. Brian was born weighing in at 1 lb 8 oz and they said he wouldn’t live.
He is sixteen now. He is honest and has a strong love for the Lord. I birthed four more after him.
At this moment they lay sleeping peacefully upstairs along with my husband who basically rescued me from that horrible relationship with my ex.
And I sit here piecing together a new puzzle, recalling all Jesus has done in my life.
I hear the still small voice reassuring me that, though my desperation looks different these days, He is all I need. I hear Him tell me that it’s ok if I go alone because I am never truly alone.
I see visions of the ministries yet to be birthed through my dedication to Him. I can see it now.
I’m finally starting see the big picture.
It’s beautiful!
I hope you learn to see yours as well. Keeping our eyes fixed on the faithfulness of Jesus always helps the vision.
Till next time.
Your sister,
Monica
I have spent far too many nights staring into my device as if it was some magical cure for my restlessness. Every time it would disappoint.
I have tried many things over the years. Drugs, alcohol, sex, music, white noise, being close to someone, being away from someone; the list echoes the “tried that” rhetoric of a 12-step program introduction, each option more ridiculous than the last and none too effective.
Most of us just settle in our phones these days. I happen to be on mine right now at 11 pm transcribing this message to you who struggle with me.
The days are too long and never long enough. There is no resting place.
Not in this world anyhow.
I have finally found my rest in the Lord.
It has been quite the arduous journey, but Jesus has been there with me every step of the way.
He sat patiently waiting as I self medicated and attempted to exhaust myself into sleep; softly whispering that I need not struggle any longer.
Many nights I would draw near in prayer and worship and drift off peacefully, but there was always that bottle of Unisom on the nightstand “just in case.”
I clung to the worry that my anxiety would rear its ugly head and I would have no recourse. My pills never stopped the anxiety. They only hastened the exhaustion that was yet to come after a panic attack.
There Jesus sat, sorrowful at my choice to remain bound by this monster, awaiting my surrender.
Tonight He spoke more loudly to me.
Examining the bottle on my nightstand I saw that it was not my sleep aid, but my B-12 I take in the morning. I grasped a cold metal handle and tugged on it. The drawer would not open. I pulled again…
Something must be stuck.
A crystal clear declaration branded itself into my mind as I yanked at the drawer one final time;
“I WILL BE YOUR PEACE!”
My drawer slid loose and I reached inside, lifting a bottle I no longer needed as that peace swept over me. I set it gently on the dresser and chuckled to myself.
This is all I need. The presence and assurance of my Savior.
Sometimes it takes me a while to let go of things I try to put in His place, but He always leads me back. Gently, firmly… with love and peace that surpasses my understanding.
I am grateful. I pray you all sleep as well as I am about to.
Your sister,
Monica
We don’t suffer from it but we often suffer because of it.
We are the ones who see the darkest parts of what depression does to a person. We have sat for hours in beds, on the floor & in bathtubs with it.
We have sat silent in the car waiting until it lifts so we can walk into the party with it, or even just into Target, and pretend to be normal for a little while.
“We are the most fragile and the most resilient warriors”
We have prayed under our breath with our hand on your head at night, crying out to God to save you from this evil of persistent hopelessness.
In the morning we launch into worship and more prayer. We cover you in prayer every day and many moments throughout the day.
We have ignored our own needs. At times we have told you exactly what we need.
Even when we are vulnerable enough to profess our human loneliness, we are not naive enough to think you will suddenly be capable of loving us amidst your pain.
We hate your depression, not you, but sometimes we take it out on you because it’s too hard to understand why you ignore us and don’t ever want to take us out anymore. Why you don’t seek after us.
We are the most fragile and the most resilient warriors.
We have talked you down from the unspeakable. Some of us have put our own lives in danger to save yours. To give you enough time to realize that life isn’t so bad and you are loved.
We want nothing in return, but we are in grave pain and feel like your depression might kill us at times.
But we will not give up. That was never an option.
The world might see us as the wives of depression, but we are wives of a unique breed of warriors.
We will not accept the devil’s definition of who we are or who you are. He is a liar and you will be free.
We know there is freedom.
We know that freedom is in Jesus, and we know He is faithful to complete the work He has begun. Both in you and in our marriage.
We will never leave you. Even on the days you feel the lowest, remember that we are for you.
Remember there are millions of us praying and fighting alongside you. We will never give up.
Neither should you.
Your sister,
Monica
NOTE: The images and words contained here are not meant to imply that all women whose spouses battle depression are being abused. There are varying degrees of depression, some accompanied by expressions of aggression. If you find yourself or a loved one in this situation, please reach out for help as soon as possible. It is not heroic to submit to abuse.
I don’t understand. I made an appointment for 8:45am to have my oil changed. It’s now 9:10 and I’m just being helped…
When I pulled up to the service bay it was full on both sides, so I reversed to a location where I could see which opened first. Some guy pulled in front of the bay on the left.
I sat sour and waiting impatiently as I watched him pull in. Another car went in behind him, then another.
“I was disrupting myself, aghast with the proposition that I might be no more important than the next human.”
I felt tension building in my right shoulder as I lamented the loss of time. I already had to wait longer because my husband was called into work so now I have to shuttle home.
“Maybe I’m stuck so I can worship in my car,” I thought. I hadn’t really gotten time to before leaving the house. I turned on my Bethel Pandora station. I began so sing along to “So Will I” and then chuckled to myself as I realized my ignorance.
Poor me. I must wait an extra 20 minutes for a free oil change and sit in an air conditioned car free to relax in the presence of God.
The tears formed in my eyes. They were opened once more…
The man who went ahead. All those ahead of me, all those behind me; we are all the same. I am no better. It wasn’t the inconvenience that disrupted me. I was disrupting myself, aghast with the proposition that I might be no more important than the next human.
By the time I got to the check-in the Lord had renewed my joy. The young man helping me was grateful. He let out a relieved laugh as I told him the story.
Within 1/2 hour I have been ignorant, anxious, amused at myself, broken for others and finally restored to peaceful.
I’m so glad it’s over but I pray I don’t soon forget how common I am, and how uncommon God’s love is for me, for all of us.
Remember that today.
Your sister,
Monica
If you’ve ever walked into a church you’ve probably been hurt by it.
It’s when the pastor’s son bullies you and no one stops him or corrects his behavior. You’re only 7 years old but you never forget.
This is church hurt; when the place you thought you could find healing brings agony instead.
The kind of pain that lingers deep inside.
It’s when you’re a lonely teenager from a broken home where you never want to be. You happen upon a church function in your neighborhood and you are hesitantly invited… but then overhear, “why is she here.”
It was said in secret so you don’t confront anyone. The pain stays.
It is when you become a teen mother because of the abyss of loneliness in your childhood home, and you overhear the pastor bashing another pregnant teen.
You feel equally shamed. The pastor said it so it must be true.
The pain stays.
But then the REAL church shows up…
The church that is all African American and accepts a young white boy with grace and love… even though he is bald, pierced and has “S-K-I-N-H-E-A-D” tatted across his knuckles.
You regain hope for the church.
The church that throws your lonely-teen-momma-self a baby shower and cooks for you and takes you shopping for appropriate young women’s clothing to wear.
The church that lets you serve in worship and lead even though you told them you’re only a month out of detoxing from a 5 year alcohol relapse/binge.
You begin to heal a little.
The church that shows up to the hospital when your child has a seizure and to your home when your marriage is falling apart.
The church that counsels and prays for that broken marriage instead of condemning you and telling you to submit to an abusive husband.
I have seen both sides of this crisis in the church.
The pain is real but so is the healing.
I have found healing in forgiveness. The same forgiveness that was extended to me, without limitation, by Jesus.
I have also had to ask forgiveness…
The sins I had minimized as “lesser” had actually created the very same deep pain as those perpetrated against me.
That is the point. We were all guilty. That’s why we need Jesus.
He is STILL the answer to all our troubles.
He is STILL our hope and healing.
Even for #churchhurt.
May you be forgiven and extend forgiveness without reservation.
May you love the church, the broken bunch we are, as Christ loves the church.
Your sister,
Monica
Old wounds heal slow sometimes.
It took me 30 years to realize my earthly father had never really been a father to me. Though I prayed and cried much and received healing, the “loss” of my father could not be mourned in one day.
Our fathers are supposed to love, guide and protect us. For me that was not the case.
I look over photos of families and dads from yesterday and my heart breaks a little for what I missed out on. Instead of images of love I recall scenes of drama and violence.
“I can choose to see him as a child of God instead of an evil man.”
Father’s Day isn’t normally hard for me because I just don’t pay much attention to it.
I grew up celebrating my mother that day because she did everything for us and so I was taught that she should get honor on Father’s Day. It was just deflecting.
No one wanted to talk about my father or the hurt that surrounded the topic of his absence.
I tried to call him yesterday. Thought it was the decent thing to do. On the other end I heard the tone for a disconnected phone. I haven’t heard from him in months, not since my brother in law passed and I saw my father at the funeral.
Everyone wanted to ignore him then too.
I couldn’t. He is a hurting human being after all and everyone should be extended comfort in a situation like that.
I had an opportunity to show the compassion I had never received from him. I sat next to him and held his aging hand. I did my best to calm everyone when he started showing out for attention. I couldn’t help but wonder if he wouldn’t seek it so much had we just shown the love he was so desperately craving.
But none of us knew how to love well as children and our parents weren’t in the position to teach us back then.
I know how to love today.
I know that I can honor my father even though, the morning after Father’s Day, I am suddenly in tears because I don’t have one.
I can choose to see him as a child of God instead of an evil man.
It is not the people of this world but the forces of another we are up against.
I can choose to hold sorrow in my heart momentarily instead of building a permanent mass of bitterness toward him.
I can share this with my brothers and sisters in Christ, and with the world and hope that you find strength for the same forgiveness if you have endured an absent or abusive father.
As Christ forgave and loved us, may we also forgive and love.
Your sister,
Monica
